Avoiding everything so that I can put off the pain as long as possible.
But now realizing that my life is falling apart.
I can’t deal with the stuff going on at home, or the problems with school, or my own depression which is spiraling out of control and I can’t mutter those words to anyone no matter how hard I try.
I wrote this in my journal the other night, trying to describe what my feelings were like:
“My heart breaks. I would say it chips away slowly, but that wouldn’t be the right image. No. The correct one would be that of my heart as a huge, rocky island. And every day the tide comes in and wears it down, beating on its seemingly hard exterior, lashing at it, gulping it down, so the best pieces fall right into the ocean. From a distance it looks as thought nothing is happening to this island, but when you close, you can see all the deformities and how without warning, chunks of it dive off the side and the waves engulf them, lunging upward and dispersing into droplets at the fringe. Every day this island is reborn and it has to suffer the same fate again and again and again.”
I literally just want to drop out of school and work anywhere and do nothing and be nothing and never meet anyone and try to pay off the debt I’ve accumulated and learn how to be happy again.